Toto, I've Got A Feeling......

We broke up after just under a year and a half of dating. Have you ever been in a relationship where you wake up one day and go, who the fuck are you? It was like that. I suspect he had been living a lie the whole time, pretending to be something he was not. I suspect that because that's exactly what I had been doing. I think sometimes we meet people who are like the poppy fields in the Wizard of Oz. They offer such beauty, warmth, and comfort - they intoxicate us like the very potent narcotics they are.

But the lesson from the Wizard of Oz still holds true. Be careful not to fall asleep there. We had both fallen asleep in the poppy field, compromising who and what we were - giving up on our dreams or in my case, giving up on my very essence to stay there in the meadow and delight in his company. After all, he is a terrific guy. But there was a part of his life he had set aside so many years ago. A naturally free, uninhibited existence, living in many countries - a life most of us could never begin to fathom. He was a model in France, had been held captive at gun point in Lebanon, educated in Egypt and now living a life as an IT executive with a small house in the suburbs, raising two children on his own after a recent divorce. He had lost touch with everyone from his past - cut all ties really. That always made me curious. It was unsettling, considering I am the type of person who carries every single one of my friends around in an enormous basket on the top of my head.

I fit well into this new picture; unfortunately I failed to see the subterfuge. I never woke up to smell the roses or in this case, the poppies.  Ironically, I had left something behind as well. I had neatly tucked away my sexuality the way Martha Stewart tucks away her towels. I sat my sensuality, passion and love of my own body on a shelf, making sure not to wrinkle them as I closed the door.

Early on in our relationship, I thought we had that magical hidden button that exists when two bodies have the exact same craving for each other. As it slowly faded, I began to fold and tuck. Eventually, I had everything put away nice and neat with perfect creases. This was to be my life now. Sex was nothing more than an afterthought. We made love to each other with our minds - always laughing, challenging each others acumen, dancing happily with all the intellectual stimulation one could possibly stand.

Now I know some women could live happily ever after with no sex life. I suppose I thought if they can do it, then why can't I. It's amazing how well it worked.  As long as our relationship held so much richness in so many other areas of our lives, why the hell not? It works for all intents and purposes; that is, until that day when you look at him and you see something or someone you hadn't seen before and you realize the worst possible scenario has just taken place. He has awakened from his sleep and this is who he's been all along. Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. But it was too late. I had already seen him.

So the gentle white snowflakes awaken me and I stumble, ever so perilously out of that field, planting my feet firmly back on the yellow brick road on the way to Oz, where I will discover I have always had what I've been looking for, right here with me all along.   I remember, I remember, yes.....there's no place like home.

To any man that shall ever tempt me to pick up this large pile of sexy, twisted messy towels again, I say:  You have no power here, now be gone before somebody drops a house on you.