Monday, May 10, 2010

Immaculate Heart of Darkness


pauseDear Readers, I have confessed to you my deepest, soulful hurts and hopes; yet, I am not done. There is more, so much more but you must know, it is daunting. I have consistently tried to spare no detail, no matter how shocking, no matter how personal, no matter the cost. It has been and remains a form of therapy for me.  I slice myself open, lay bleeding, let it all run out then I turn it over to you – to the universe – to take it from me, to find something useful from it or to know that maybe, just maybe you feel a little better knowing there is someone out there who keeps showing up. As of this day, May 10th, I am here.

Mother’s Day was and always is hard on me. My real family, a/k/a/ my girlfriends, sent me messages throughout the day. My kids made me breakfast in bed. My boyfriend even loaned me one of his kids so I could snuggle up with her as I went to sleep on Saturday, knowing my own offspring would not be arriving until the next morning.

I focused on the many blessings I have but it wasn’t enough to sustain the place of darkness that resides within my otherwise peaceful heart. My next series of posts are going to be a bit idiosyncratic. Peculiar for me. I hope you will allow me to indulge and wallow in it. I hope you will follow me to the dirtiest of places as I enter a new phase of grief. Actually, it’s not new; pretty sure I just conveniently skipped over it.
Anger.

I desperately want to express it to you in my usual verbose, four-chapter- novella style with a touch of humor to soften the jagged edges but I’m too twisted, too tormented to go there. Instead, I’m going to free flow. It’s not intended to be poetry.

spider-monkey_719_600x450
It’s me, unfiltered, unedited and undone.

Zen Mama will be taking a break for a while.   In her place, you will be meeting Mad Mama. See photo to the right. 

Come with me as I swing wildly through the vines, screaming like the spider monkey I am.

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