Sunday, January 10, 2010

Never Choose the Chipmunk with the Big A on His Shirt

A friend of mine recently took her daughter to see the chipmunk movie sequel (The Squeakquel). I can't say it any better than her so I will quote her here, "The Chipmunks Squeakquel was so awful, I found myself getting all worked up and offended by how the boy chipmunk with glasses fell in love with the girl chipmunk with glasses, the chubby boy chipmunk fell in love with the chubby girl chipmunk, etc.  As if people only fall in love with people just like themselves!  How narcississtic!  Then I realized they were a bunch of damn rats and got over it!"

I immediately sided with her.  How dare they pair off  the chipmunks according to the preordained lab rat class system mimicking and mocking life as we know it?  Alvin has already solidified his alpha-rodent status by placing an obnoxiously large A on all of his clothing.  Does he really need to take it one step further by procuring the equally self-centered, bitchy head of the female chipmunk clan, Brittany?

Then Simon, the smart chipmunk, chooses to link up with the other chipmunk who wears glasses because God knows, if you wear glasses, you must be intelligent.  Finally, Theodore is left to scoop up the dredges of the sole remaining female overweight chipmunk and by golly, doesn't that work out well because Theo seems to be carrying around a spare tire in case the chipmunk-mobile has a flat.

I laughed at her email as I always do because she is funnier than shit.  But then, as the days passed - I began to think further into the deeper meaning of chipmunk love.  You know, Chipmunk Suzie and Chipmunk Sam?  Oh damn, they were fucking muskrats doing the jitterbug on muskrat land.  Classic Captain and Tennille. Who gives a shit about muskrats anyway, this blog is about me. For the record, I would like to say I believe chipmunks should be allowed to do the jitterbug, the quick step or the lindy hop on muskrat land if they so desire.  Only God help them if Len Goodman is in the house. Though I hear he prefers hanging out with squirrels.

By the way, I used to sport a perfect Toni Tennille hairstyle.

Here she is......

 And here's me circa 1977....

My point being, I married three times and failed three times.  True, one of them didn't count but nonetheless; I am a walking, talking muskrat/chipmunk manual on how NOT to select a mate.   I married the chubby chipmunk with the good heart but not so much happening in the excitement or intelligence departments. I tried my luck with the most popular boy in school who seemed to be able to find trouble in the seemingly most unlikely of places. One could even make an argument that I married the smart one when I found a man who impressed me with his goals and visions at such a young age.

My blog is all about taking the chaos of my past, filtering it through the reflective, compassionate consideration of a well balanced yet sometimes completely insane perimenopausal woman and heaving it upon you, written in a way to make you laugh, cry, and ultimately comprehend some of the answers, okay my opinion of the answers, to the greatest mysteries of the universe.

Thus far, we have tackled addiction, racism, death and whether Bill Gates is the Anti-Christ. Now this? Can I really figure out if it's okay for all the chipmunks to link up with their custom drawn perfect likenesses? One has to ask, would it work out if Alvin teamed up with the smart one or would she be too smart to put up with his shit? And if Simon selected the chubby, yet obviously daft chippette, what would they have to talk about while gathering nuts?

I know why my girlfriend was incensed by the movie. She is the type of woman who chooses to live her life outside of the expectations of society. She adopted an African American baby using an open adoption. She keeps up with the birth mom for the sake of her daughter; though at times it can be extremely frustrating. In Oklahoma, people still stare at a Lilly white couple walking around with a beautiful little girl of color. She's an attorney who purposely stayed off the high-powered, big-bucks career path because she likes her life just the way it is. She does things people don't expect. She wins her cases because she's prepared, smart and savvy but she walks in looking cute, sweet and unassuming.  Then she pounces and before they know it, her adversaries have been handed their butts to them with a dainty little bow tied around it.
She and I both tend to cheer for the underdogs of the world.  We want to see the smart girl land the good looking guy but in reality, we both know it won't be long before the good looking guy is cheating because it happened to both of us.  This is what I know for sure. You must choose the person whom you like on the inside. You must be able to see who they are. If you look really hard you can see their essence. You must literally like the smell of them. If the dude is wearing a large A on his shirt and getting into trouble he might be an asshole.

When the day comes, and according to Maya Angelou it will come, when they show you who they really are,  BELIEVE THEM.

Then act accordingly.


  1. Seriously. I can hardly take it. You are so good at this.
    How did I end up with the best chipmonks on my team?

  2. Oh my goodness! You had me at "hello"!

  3. You are the second of my bloggy buddies to quote that Maya Angelou line in the past two days. I love it. And I am adamently refusing to watch this movie.

  4. There's got to be a better segway to your hair stories. I "get" why you are nominated. You deserve it. But the chipmunks? They are paired that way because that's what kids understand and how can they learn to stereotype otherwise? I look forward to your scathing comments on my next post.

  5. God, and don't they always show who they are and, at least in my world, it's NEVER good.

    I used to watch Alvin and the Chimpmunks when I was little and my kids have seen the movies and it never once gave the pairing of them a second thought. This cracked me up!

  6. haha quite a feed back of your friend, but I have to agree with her, the plot of the movie is so weak and the characters so shallow, I know it's a movie for children but still!


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