Saturday, January 1, 2011
She Let Go
I have had two serious loves since my divorce from Mr. Sunshine in 2005. Both lasted between a year and a half to two years if you count that last four to five months of trying to reconcile before you decide it is really over. Both broke my heart but in vastly different ways. The first a man with a well thought out, pragmatic past, present and future meticulously planned. Not the sort of thing that would mesh with my, let's just go ahead and say it, somewhat unconventional, colorful past, present and most likely future. Ironically, said colorful past made me who I was/am, the woman he fell in love with, but when it came to the ultimate decision, or shortly after I had met his entire family.....to this day, not sure which one tipped the scales, I was told he couldn't do it anymore. His anguish was apparent, his tears were real and just like that, the man I had imagined to be "the one", was gone.
The second was the brilliant Mr. S. who seduced me with a foreign accent, hot body and intellectual stimulation beyond my wildest imagination. So what if English was his fourth language, I could always take him when it came to grammar, syntax and stupid English figures of speech. But hyperbole and sarcasm were his aces in the hole. I stood at his feet in constant admiration of his ability to battle it out with me in the language I had bathed in my entire life, like an alcoholic, not ever fully satisfied until I had acquired more vocabulary, more uses of an oxymoron, more synonyms, more guide to picturesque speech. While he had breezed through French, Armenian, Arabic and oh by the way, English. Bully for me.
But in the end, the one who wanted me for all of my crazy ideas, accepted me for all past indiscretions and proposed to love me forever, Mr. S., was more fucked up than anyone of my past loves (and if you've read this entire blog, you know that carries some significant weight). He imagined himself to be someone he wasn't. For example, he prided himself on having not one jealous bone in his body, absolutely no issues with trust; yet I later discovered my computer was being monitored 24/7. It was insidious, stealth-like deceit but unintentional; as honest to daisies, he believes he is what he claims to be. Nonetheless, second big love, second heart break.
Why the reflux of past love on this, the dawn of a new year? Good question. I believe it has to do with letting go.
In a time of reflection and transition such as the new year, what does one do? Do we wipe the slate clean, let go and chart a new course or do we give thanks that life is just as it is, know that what we have is ours, understand it, claim it and then let the universe show us our own personal end result, that we ourselves brought to fruition?
I believe it is a combination of letting go and believing in your choices. This year for me was defined by the loss of Mr.S- good riddance - and the gain of my children as their full time provider. They amaze me, defy me, teach me how to be a better mother, get me outside to play in the snow, make me do the most unimaginable things to fight for them and ultimately convince me that my purpose, i.e., to write, has now been given a meaning beyond what I could have ever begun to imagine. This is not just about me anymore, this is not just my journey, it's our story.
And from this point forward in my blog, I share their lessons with you.
I let some meatballs stay in the fridge a bit too long and mold started to develop. My warrior princess lives for meatballs so it was with trepidation I decided to show her the Rubbermaid container with the moldy meatballs. Honey, this is what happens when meatballs outlive their useful life. Look, this one has eyeballs, furry eyeballs. She was incensed, disgusted and appalled - questioning her belief in meatballs for ever after.
A few days later, we all sat down to watch the movie, Babe. I told the kids it would be sad at times but they would feel good at the end. When it ended, they questioned me, how could you let us watch a movie with so much sadness?
But didn't it end okay? Sometimes life gives you sadness but the point of the movie is to believe in yourself, even if everyone else thinks you're crazy. If a thought nags at you, and won't go away then you MUST pursue it. You will be given hardships and obstacles along the way but you cannot let go, do you know why that is?
Yes, the Warrior Princess replied with the tone of a balloon losing its air, we get it mom, life is like a meatball, sometimes it gets moldy.
There is nothing more I can add to that other than to give credit to Robin Thomas, a/k/a Bert, a/k/a, my soul mate who has known me since the time we sat on her bed as young girls and rolled our hair together. She sent me the card you see at the top of this post. It is me with red, curly hair, saggy breasts and legs that can still stop a man in his tracks.
Forging a hole through this universe. I WILL scream past my limitations and defy each and every furry meatball that comes my way.
Happy New Year.
Love to all, Zen Mama