Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Dear Linda, Part Deux

I just checked my stat page and realized you are reading me, or spying on me, at least twice a day lately. Since we don't speak otherwise, I will address you here.

I had a wonderful session with my therapist today.  This is the therapist I found to help me deal with all that is happening to me right now, including my decision to not drink anymore.  I asked her to help me figure out why I have so much anger toward you and your son.  I don't like anger, I don't function well with hate.  I believe both will eat away at your soul and prevent you from achieving God's plan for you life.  Kind of like poisoning yourself and waiting for the other person to die.

She told me I have every reason to be angry. I'm sure your son tells you he has always taken care of his responsibilities to his children but I have a very large document and a court ordered judgment that proves otherwise. He owes me a lot of money for the things I have covered over the years.  I would love to show it to you as I'm sure you experienced much of the same with your exes. You must be able to relate and yet, your love for your son has you sitting idly by with blinders on.

I will be struggling to make ends meet while your son is in prison. I have to tell the kids we cannot have the things, do the things, we used to do.  I have to tell the girls, they will not get their orthodontics.  By the way, very mature of you to tell them their mom should just take out a loan.  The loan payment for three sets of orthodontics is $650 per month.  Exactly where do you think I will get that money? Again, I know you have seen their teeth.  This is not purely cosmetic.  They do not have room for their adult teeth to come in.

Yet, here you are, living your life, planning your vacations and expecting things to go on as normal for you. I will not stand in the way of you taking the kids to see their dad, I will give it my best to act like I have some modicum of respect for you, but I am putting you on notice - when these kids grow up and see the sacrifices I had to make, while their dad didn't pay for their medical bills, counseling and school expenses; and when they see that Grandma didn't help because she was too busy traveling, paying legal fees for their dad or saving for her retirement in Panama, then I will no longer stand up for you.

I went to my therapist today with anger and she told me it was okay to be angry.  I deserve the anger.  Yet, the anger is a mask, my mask. It's nearly Halloween after all so it seems appropriate. I can't begin to accept the fear of living in Wisconsin, with no family, trying to raise these kids to be healthy and happy and understand the most important values in life while their dad is in prison, we are struggling and there is nobody to help us.  God knows Jennifer can't stand on her own so she has to be supported by his dad - but what about us?  Where do we fit in?  Do you people think so highly of me that you know I will find a way to make ends meet or do you understand how dire this situation is, or like Troy, do you just not give a damn what happens to us?

I will have transportation arranged for Troy on the day of his release.  He will be taken to the Waukesha County jail.  My therapist gave me the courage when I told her I didn't like being a hard ass.  She said I have to do this for my kids.  I will keep him in jail as long as it takes so I suggest you get together with your family and figure out a way to help us out.  I'm not asking for full payment, just enough to help us survive while he is away.  If you don't, it will be much longer than 30 months before you see him again.  Not a threat, just reality as the court has ordered. He will pay for this crime just as sure and swiftly as he will pay for the other.

And THAT is fear, masquerading as anger. Happy Halloween.

Sorry readers, but the Zen in Zen Mama is taking a break. I am a work in progress.  


  1. Very well written. The kids, they will see the truth sooner than you think. They see actions, they know. You won't be the bad person and tell them, they'll know who it is all on their own.

  2. I cannot imagine the place you are in right now. I understand anger, for sure. It actually at times has helped me get things done, sort of gave me some strength. But, largely, it takes strength. Again, another damn balance.

    I only can only really tell you I love you. There is really no telling the story that Troy has created about you to his mother. To himself.

    I really beleive there is some great healing in store for you. I hope the children's grandmother gets on board to be there for those kids.

  3. I don't know you. I like your posts. This one left me feeling uneasy. I sure don't understand your anger or expectations that somehow your mother inlaw should somehow be financially responsible for your children. Yep her son is a jerk loser. But he is a grown jerk loser. He is the one that owes the kids not her. And this is gonna tick you off...but maybe you should think of giving up a few things so the kids get orthodontics. I am guessing therapy is free--but if not-- there would be the first cut. Now I know you are really not liking me. But I really don't get people who have kids and then expect grandparents to pick up the tab! Then turn the grandkids against them cause they wouldn't bail them out. I can't help but see you in a bad light here. No matter where the sun shines.

  4. Anonymous - I won't argue with you at all. I know this post puts me in a bad light. It's letting my bad show. That's part of the raw honesty that exists here. This anger will pass, I must let it pass - but for now, I think this woman is every bit as selfish and destructive as her son. It was she who perpetuated his messes by extending him credit to allow him to go further and further in the hole. She never let him be a man who had to stand on his own - right up to the end as he was going down. She should own up to her part in this.

    She has bailed him out of every mess he ever created. Honestly, I hope this time she doesn't, I hope she lets him sit in jail. It is time for her to say enough is enough.

    Secondly, the therapy for the kids is free, at least for the rest of this year as my deductible was met in January.

    I don't have a reason in the world to not like you. Thanks for reading my blog and for your honesty.

  5. I personally love this post and love that you are angry and venting and processing! I have an ex that I think may be related to yours. His parents too never made him grow up and always made excuses. He never helped raise his two children by me..he has others with God only knows who I gave up counting them and the wives!
    I think we do our children an injustice to candy coat everything too. They may not need to know all of the details until they are older but being a Father is more than the sperm donation!! My story has a happy ending as I met someone when my older two children were small and he became their Daddy in every sense of the word. I found out last month that my ex is finally in prison for domestic battery,kidnapping and witness tampering. Those are mild infractions that he was actually caught for finally. Their is a long list of things he will never face justice for. His parents still sing his praises and rally against the injustice of him being incarcerated as do his sister and other family members! I know I am rambling but this post really hit home for me and brought back many memories. I admire you and respect you.


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