Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Dear Linda, Part Deux
I had a wonderful session with my therapist today. This is the therapist I found to help me deal with all that is happening to me right now, including my decision to not drink anymore. I asked her to help me figure out why I have so much anger toward you and your son. I don't like anger, I don't function well with hate. I believe both will eat away at your soul and prevent you from achieving God's plan for you life. Kind of like poisoning yourself and waiting for the other person to die.
She told me I have every reason to be angry. I'm sure your son tells you he has always taken care of his responsibilities to his children but I have a very large document and a court ordered judgment that proves otherwise. He owes me a lot of money for the things I have covered over the years. I would love to show it to you as I'm sure you experienced much of the same with your exes. You must be able to relate and yet, your love for your son has you sitting idly by with blinders on.
I will be struggling to make ends meet while your son is in prison. I have to tell the kids we cannot have the things, do the things, we used to do. I have to tell the girls, they will not get their orthodontics. By the way, very mature of you to tell them their mom should just take out a loan. The loan payment for three sets of orthodontics is $650 per month. Exactly where do you think I will get that money? Again, I know you have seen their teeth. This is not purely cosmetic. They do not have room for their adult teeth to come in.
Yet, here you are, living your life, planning your vacations and expecting things to go on as normal for you. I will not stand in the way of you taking the kids to see their dad, I will give it my best to act like I have some modicum of respect for you, but I am putting you on notice - when these kids grow up and see the sacrifices I had to make, while their dad didn't pay for their medical bills, counseling and school expenses; and when they see that Grandma didn't help because she was too busy traveling, paying legal fees for their dad or saving for her retirement in Panama, then I will no longer stand up for you.
I went to my therapist today with anger and she told me it was okay to be angry. I deserve the anger. Yet, the anger is a mask, my mask. It's nearly Halloween after all so it seems appropriate. I can't begin to accept the fear of living in Wisconsin, with no family, trying to raise these kids to be healthy and happy and understand the most important values in life while their dad is in prison, we are struggling and there is nobody to help us. God knows Jennifer can't stand on her own so she has to be supported by his dad - but what about us? Where do we fit in? Do you people think so highly of me that you know I will find a way to make ends meet or do you understand how dire this situation is, or like Troy, do you just not give a damn what happens to us?
I will have transportation arranged for Troy on the day of his release. He will be taken to the Waukesha County jail. My therapist gave me the courage when I told her I didn't like being a hard ass. She said I have to do this for my kids. I will keep him in jail as long as it takes so I suggest you get together with your family and figure out a way to help us out. I'm not asking for full payment, just enough to help us survive while he is away. If you don't, it will be much longer than 30 months before you see him again. Not a threat, just reality as the court has ordered. He will pay for this crime just as sure and swiftly as he will pay for the other.
And THAT is fear, masquerading as anger. Happy Halloween.
Sorry readers, but the Zen in Zen Mama is taking a break. I am a work in progress.