Rain Falls on a Smoke Leaf Tree

 

Rain falls on a smoke leaf tree.

It cleanses the soil, the fragment of earth

I have borrowed for this life.

It comes in a deluge to schlep away

the layers of debris

from a season of brisk inevitability.
 

Rain falls on a smoke leaf tree.

It will take all that was buried

beneath the dormant white catacombs.

The leaves that refused to let go

and soar in uncertain winds

will find themselves reclaimed.
 

Rain falls on a smoke leaf tree.

Water surges forth on a quest for

the path of least resistance.

Free flowing destruction until it halts

at the barrier of intervention

where it will once again nourish the soul.

Maya and Me

I love her. I love her in a jealous way. I want to have an eloquent soul that can explain tyranny and injustice with solace and gratitude.

I love her. I love her in an empathetic way. I have not lived her life nor known her struggles but she speaks to me as if I am a black woman and I understand. We are all on this journey together.

I love her. I love her in a sisterly, motherly, daughterly way. I can turn to her in the quiet dark times and know that her arms are wrapped around me.

She taught me why the caged bird sings. It doesn't sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song.

She knows "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you". Hence, this blog.

And in this time of transition for me, she brings me comfort.

 "I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

Most importantly, her words echo in my head as if I am standing at the top of a mountain, screaming into the wild, vast emptiness that lies before me and I know the truth. I know I am right. I know the decision to leave him was difficult, yet I have failed so many times in the past when the unvarnished wood revealed itself to me and I refused to see it in its natural, raw state. Instead, I saw the richest Mahogany from the Ivory Coasts of West Africa.

This time, I am listening to my inner Maya and she is telling me, "The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them".

Whether it's a rainy day, lost luggage, tangled Christmas lights or a Tuesday night when you fell asleep while comforting your child and did not call him. You can tell a lot about a person in these moments.

And this time, I believe.

Bigger Than Life – In Memory of Paul Sands

He truly was bigger than life and yet today -  he is gone. When I knew he had passed,  I pulled this photo from my personal album and it made me cry. I remembered how peaceful and happy he was with Jody sitting there on his lap. It was our last night together on this particular vacation and it was one of those photos that unbeknown at the time, became iconic; it was the photo that captured the essence of our time together.

But today, in this early April, Jody was there to be with him as he was preparing to die. She didn't hesitate to interrupt her busy career or all the obligations that come with life as a single mom.  She booked her flight and headed south. By the time she arrived, he had lost his senses and wasn't able to hear her carefully crafted words. He died without her being able to hold his hand, tell him to let go, or tell him how much she had truly loved him.

Paul was the only man she’s ever known who hasn’t broken her heart.

I told her if he had known how much you really loved him, he would have tried a lot harder to marry you, or to sleep with you, at a minimum.  He had asked and longed for both on more than one occasion.

But she didn’t want to mess up a 26 year friendship with the guy who never broke her heart. And she was right.

In our conversations this morning, Jody asked me if I had the photos from our trip. She said she was looking for one specific photo. She didn't need to describe it, I told her I already had it scanned and on its way to her.  They had been friends for over twenty years. They loved each other and this photo represented that love.

When she went on to question the injustice of his early departure from our world,  I told her the only thing I could think to say, which was that heaven just got a helluva lot more fun because big Pauley had arrived.

It was four years ago when Paul treated Jody, Janelle and I to a four day trip to Fort Myers. We had been feeling out of sorts; each one with a specific obstacle in our busy lives that was holding us back. Early April in Milwaukee can mess with a woman. We were all depressed and  we yearned for sunshine and answers to the great mysteries in our lives. Paul didn't hesitate, he was there for us.



He rented us a convertible.....Chrysler....Sebring, to be exact. We were free to roam about, have our girl time, ask young men to carry our groceries and  find our way back to the center of our lives.That’s Jody and I on the night where we spontaneously laughed ourselves back to healthy and happy. “The Bridge is right there”! (Inside joke).



He treated us to limos, yachts, a beach side hotel and nights on the town. He loved baseball, golf, boating, cigars wine and women, not necessarily in that order. If he could have them all at once, he would. He loved moments like these where he got to show off for his friends. We didn’t mind, he was like the biggest, friendliest, most harmless teddy bear we had ever met.



At the end of the night, when we were exhausted, he would sometimes have to wake us up to send us back to our hotel.  We couldn’t keep up with his boundless energy and non stop desire to live life to the fullest. Between the three of us girls, we were mothers of nine children. We weren’t used to that kind of life.



We will miss you here on this earth sharky. You touched so many lives. Hundreds of people came to your memorial to tell you what you meant to them and they weren't just casual acquaintances, they were bonafied friends.

Don’t we all wish we could live a life like that? Pauley left a legacy by living large and living well, with a big heart and an even bigger hug to embrace us all.

Darling Paul Sands, truly one of a kind.

My heart is with you Jody #2 as you must let go of this beautiful man. As I said to you earlier.....perhaps in the next life.

Shoes for Samantha

I'm throwing my hat or should I say my shoes into the ring here to support a new charity, established by a few blogging friends of mine. They are all young women (early 20's), having not even established their own paths yet but already compassionately giving back.

What a wonderful thing to know that our next generation is ready to give.

They now have their own Shoes for Samantha blog site and are considering starting a non-profit. I love the story and I want to see this amazing woman have shoes on the feet of all her future track starts. Wouldn't that be amazing?  Here's the scoop from Rachel, over at Confessions of a Virgin Blogger. Rachel will be moving to NYC to begin law school in the fall. I'm so happy I've "met" her here in the blogosphere. I want you to know her too. Bottom line, they need running shoes and money to ship them but I'll let her tell you in her own words:

As you may or may not know, my dear friend Samantha is stationed in Lesotho (Southern Africa for those of you who have never heard of it. Don't feel bad - neither had I) for a 2.5 year stint with the Peace Corps. Recently in her blog she wrote about a track team at her school. Sam was a HUGE runner in high school and college and the only person who has ever succeeded in convincing me to run anywhere (which is a feat in and of itself). Track season in Lesotho is almost over but she's talking of coaching next year. The problem? Her students desperately need shoes. Sam writes, "The debatably 400 meter track had two mild inclines and was dirt smeared with shards of glass. My students ran barefoot!" After reading this, I knew I wanted to help.

Our mutual friend Hannah did a little research and found that "a leading cause of disease in developing countries is soil-transmitted diseases, which penetrate the skin through bare feet. Wearing shoes can help prevent these diseases and the long term physical and cognitive harm they cause."

So, I'm writing to ask if you have any old running or athletic shoes, if you'd be willing to donate them to Sam's students in Lesotho. Any size and gender will do. I sent out an e-mail last week and got an overwhelmingly positive response, including some from a couple of key people who are stepping up to the plate in terms of organization. Because of them, we have six "collectors" for your convenience. Contact the following people and they will work with you to make the easiest exchange possible.

If you live near Columbia or Myrtle Beach, SC contact Stephanie at stephaniewarrenmb@gmail.com

If you live near Clemson, SC contact Hannah at hoakley18@gmail.com.

If you live near Charleston, SC contact Claire at cwsparks@edisto.cofc.edu.

If you live near East Lansing, MI contact Amy at bicketta11@gmail.com. 

If you live near Milwaukee, WI contact Angela at stalkingsunsets@hotmail.com. 

If you live in Denver, CO or not in SC at all, contact me, Rachel at rachel.denise.sparks@gmail.com.

The projected ship date will be May 1, so if you could get your shoes to one of us by then, that would be wonderful. If you want to help but don't have any old shoes, we will gladly accept any monetary donation you are willing to give to cover shipping costs. Also, pass the word on. You never know when a stranger may want to help out but they can't if they don't even know about it! Thanks!

So, to all my friends from around the country. Let's reach across the world, and provide some shoes for these kids to run their hearts out. Just imagine the looks on their faces when they receive their new shoes. We can do it. Hop on over there and give whatever you can.

Love,
Zen Mama